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 President SCOTT HARGREAVE |
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President SCOTT HARGREAVE |
Editorial
Why Micromanage? by Ed Parker
Columns
Micromanagement News by Ed Parker
Ask Mr. Micromanager , Advice from the Expert by Ed Parker
Book Review: I'm OK You're Fucked by Dale Akers
Features
Rating Employee Performance by Ed Parker
Quiz: Are You a Micromanager? by Ed Parker
Dealing With the Problem Employee
Humor: What, Why and How to Get Rid of ItThe Search for Competent Life: Is There Any Competent Life Out There? by Scott Hargreave
About the Cover
Scott Hargreave's cover for our premiere issue illustrates our mission to report on the world of problems associated with the near hopeless task of overworked managers surrounded by incompetents and slackers. We are happy to report that Scott has signed on do to our next few covers. Assuming of course that his work remains adequate...
In Our Next Issue
Here's a preview from our employee surveillance issue:
E-Mail: The Micromanager's Secret Surveillance Tool A good micromanager (is there any other kind) distrusts computers. Computers make it to easy for disloyal employees to steal company secrets, hide data (see next months article The Evils of Encryption), and play video games. This understandable fear of computers has blinded some micromanagers to an exciting use of computers, E-Mail. If you keep up with the news on the leading edge of technology, you might have heard about E-Mail. It's said to be the wave of the future where electronic messages, transmitted over computer networks are transmitted instantly to a distribution list.
They say E-Mail improves productivity and communication and saves valuable trees by eliminating paper wastes. This is a bunch of soft headed slacker nonsense and propaganda. Any decent manager knows that their employees only ask for computers so they can play video games while looking busy to the casual observer. E-Mail is your chance to turn computers, the slackers' pal, into your personal spy.
When an employee sends an electronic copy of a message to another employee, the recipient gets a copy not the original. A properly set up E-mail system can be made to also send you a copy without him ever knowing. Imagine! All of your employees so-called private correspondence automatically copied and sent to your desk ready for you to read at your convenience. In fact you
Also in Upcoming Issues!
Making Employees Crazy Tells Them You're In Charge
Product Reviews: Slack Detectors, Ballistic Fashions, Trap Doors, etc. by Dale Akers & Ed Parker
Employee Violence: A Problem Without a Cause
Building A Team Out Of People You Can't Trust By Dale Akers& Ed Parker
Surveillence Techniques: Statistics: Using Probabilities to Keep Track of Employees by Scott Hargreave
Salary Reviews: How to Keep More of the Company's Money
Authorship of Employee Articles by Scott Hargreave& Ed Parker
How to Block Transfers (after all it's my career at stake)
Motivating Slackers (slackers aka employees, vacations)
E-Mail: The Micromanager's Secret Surveillance Tool by Ed Parker & Ed Parker
The Art of Taking Credit and Avoiding Blame by Scott Hargreave & Ed Parker
Why No One Who Works For You Can Be Trusted
Micromanagement Secrets
How to Spot Slackers Working For You by J.R. Monte & Ed Parker
You Don't Need a Clue to Make Decisions by J.R. Monte & Ed Parker
Meetings Can Make Decisions For You by E.E. Flemm & Ed Parker
The Search for Competent Employees: Is There Any Competent Life Out There? by George Seiler & Ed Parker
A Classic Book Review: Dickens' A Christmas Carol: The Joys and Dangers of Micromanagement During the Holiday Seasons
Some people question the need to micromanage. Such people are fools. Micromanagers aren't born. Micromanagement comes about through necessity. I micromanage because I have to. I micromanage because I came to work one day and realized that everyone working for me was incompetent. They're all untrustworthy. They're all slackers looking for an excuse to do a poor job. I suddenly realized that I'm the only person I can trust to do the job. At this point I had no choice but to micromanage.
Are micromanagers special? Yes! I'm a micromanager and I know, I'm smarter. I work harder. I do better work. It's only natural that I take all the credit for all successes. And when a micromanaged project fails, I know it's only because I'm surrounded by incompetents who must be hunted down and humiliated.
Sometimes I find myself talking to ignorant but well meaning fools who say we must learn to trust our employees. These people are idiots. If people could be trusted to do their jobs, we wouldn't be micromanagers would we? More on this next month. In the meanwhile, watch your back!
Despite the fears of many micromanagers, telecommuting actually bodes well for us: A recent Commerce Department report that telecommuting is becoming more common alarmed so micromanagers. The absurd telecommuting fad is a conspiracy between irresponsible managers and lazy employees who are anxious to hide from scrutiny. Employees who want to work at home instead of the office are clearly trying to hide something. Although this will cause massive productivity losses for American businesses, it's actually good news for micromanagers! Businesses stupid enough to let employees telecommute will find themselves easy prey for more the competitive companies run by savvy micromanagers.
Employee violence update: A US Postal office report tried to find patterns in the violent behavior of some postal employees. The report indicated that emotionally unstable employees who become violent tended to strike out against supervisors that could be described as micromanagers. This seemingly bizarre correlation only proves how crazy your typical employees are. Please also see next month's article Employee Violence: A Problem Without A Cause.
Legal crisis: A recent ruling by a federal judge goes to prove how incompetence is everywhere. Judge Terrance Stone ruled that PsychoBoy Ltd. had "illegally" wiretapped the home phones of several employees. PschoBoy lawyers argued that since the employees used company paychecks to pay their telephone bills, PsychoBoy was within its rights. Needless to say, this absurd decision was immediately condemned by the American Association of Micromanagers. An appeal is expected.
New hope for mind control: Mind control, the holy grail for generations of micromanagers, has seemed like an impossible dream. It promised an end, once and for all, to slackers and other malcontents. Recent news from Russia claims that the KGB of the old USSR had actually made progress with "psychoacoustic" mind control systems. We'll report any news as soon as we get it. Stay tuned!
Q: The wife of one of my employees is in the hospital and may not survive. He's spending too much time at the hospital and refuses to work more than forty or fifty hours a week How can I make him act more responsibly?
A: Your employee is clearly unmotivated. I assume you've tried threats, told him that he can be replaced, etc. The best thing to do is to make an example of him. When your other employees see you deal decisively with this slacker, productivity is bound to improve.
Q: When assembling a team for a new project, everyone avoids me. Why?
A: There are several reasons that typically contribute to this common situation. You must remember that micromanagers are much smarter, faster, more organized, and just all around better than your typical worthless slacker employee. This makes them afraid that just being near you will cause them to appear to be the lame good-for-nothings they really are. The other common cause is that the lazy bastards are afraid they might have to work for their paychecks for a change.
Q: I needed an employee (whom I never trusted), to accompany me on a trip to the west coast. He tried to get out of it claiming that his wife was pregnant with their first child and due in a couple weeks. I don't know if she really was pregnant or not but that's besides the point. After a couple of days of meetings in L.A., it turned out that our meeting in San Diego was cancelled. He begged me to let him go home early since the meeting I needed him for was not to be. To make him stop whining I told him he could. His return tickets were for a flight leaving from San Diego but I needed to go meet some new prospects in Sanata Barbara. So I told him he could fly home to be with his allegedly pregnant wife but he'd have to pay for his own transportation to San Diego. The amazing thing is that this lazy jerk, whom I was doing a favor for, complained. He said I was being unreasonable and the company should pay for his transportation! How can I deal with someone like this?
A: Unbelievable! If this guy is really of great value to you, you should force him to seek psychiatric help (at his own expense). Otherwise, fire him immediately. You don't need the grief his kind cause normal people like you.
Q: I called an employee at home around 1 AM the other night and got no answer. When I told him this the next day he said it was because his answering machine was broken. I don't believe him. What should I do?
A: Like most employees, this one can't be trusted. He's obviously hiding something (they all are), but there's no easy way to prove it. Just keep this little incident in mind and remember to take appropriate action when it comes time to do salary reviews.
Q: I was going through an employee's desk the other day when she walked in. She got angry and demanded an explanation. What's her problem? Could this be a female thing?
A: Yes
Q: I recently fired a slacker I'll call "Al". Since it wasn't convenient to hire an expensive replacement for him, I gave his work load to another employ I'll call "Bob" Bob's done an adequate if uninspired job of doing both of their assignments for the last two years, but lately he has become unreliable. Believe it or not , he came to me and complained that he shouldn't have to do the work of two people. He wanted either more money or less work. I told him fine, you can have no money and no work. He got mad and stormed out of my office. Was I too hard on him? What should I do next?
A: I appreciate the difficulty of working with such a slacker and applaud the way you put him in his place. Your next step? As soon as Bob reaches that next major milestone, make sure everything is complete and documented. Then call security and have him escorted off the premises and tell him his personal effects will be sent to him as soon as you have a chance to go through them to make sure he isn't stealing valuable company secrets or office supplies.
Q: Running my business involves hiring people who, of necessity, must work off-site at clients' locations. How do I know they aren't slacking off, taking long lunches, coming in late, leaving early, falsifying mileage claims etc. when they're out of my sight.
A: Your concerns are natural. Most of them probably are slacking off, making YOU look bad. Since there's no one you can trust, you're just going to have to take responsibility and start checking up on them. Use some pretense to call first thing in the morning occasionally to see if they're showing up.
Q: I have an outstanding employee who has brought in far more business than originally expected. An important project I was managing seemed doomed until he started working (largely on his own time) to save it. Successful completion of that project helped me earn a long sought promotion. The problem is he's unhappy with his yearly salary appraisal. He thinks his above average performance and saving my project should have earned him recognition and more money. How should I deal with his unreasonable expectations?
A: Major mistake! Why are you letting this cretin take credit for work that was done for you?
Q: During a test, a piece of equipment broke down. I wanted to know who's fault it was. All the technical people insisted that these things 'just happen' sometimes. How do I assign blame in a case like this?
A: This isn't a problem it's an opportunity. Pick the person who's caused you the most trouble and assign blame to him. If you're in charge it's your right to get even.
Q: I didn't like the Christmas parties our department had before I became department manager. When I asked for suggestions for last year's party, most of these idiots working for me wanted to do the same thing we'd done for years. I decided to set up a more appropriate party and make a break with the past. When it became apparent that several people couldn't make it, one of my employees decided to throw a private party the next night for those who couldn't make it to the real party. I told him this was unacceptable and that he'd have to cancel his so-called party. He told me I couldn't tell him what to do on his own time. (Can you believe it?) I made a few threats and eventually he gave in. I watched his house all night to make sure he didn't lie to me about canceling his little party. He kept his word but I now have doubts in someone I'd always thought of as a good employee. What should I do now?
A: This "good" employee is obviously a trouble maker who must be gotten rid of. I recommend giving him the worst possible assignments and generally making his life a living hell. By making him quit instead of firing him, you save the cost of severerance pay and probably save on retirement benefits etc. Go to it!
As a manager I have often volunteered to go to various campuses on recruiting trips. This is something that I find to be a duty to my company as it has been my experience that only I can distinguish good prospects from the horde of slackers. During all of my time I have never found a decent "graduate". This fact just goes to show how quickly the few diamonds of management material are plucked from the steaming piles of incompetence that fill up these so called "colleges".
Recently I once again went to one of the "educational" institutions to try and recruit for this publication. As a result I was forced to sit through dozens of interviews with people that I could replace with monkeys! Here is a list of examples about what I mean:
Case#1 -
It has been my experience to always wear bright red ties to all meetings. It dazzles the eyes of the miserable incompetents that I meet on a daily bases, and makes it easier to bend them to my will.
I'm sitting in a small interview room waiting for the first "student" when there is a knock on the door. A nicely dressed young man wearing a red tie walks into the room! I can't believe what I'm seeing! He's trying to use a time proven micromanagement trick against me! What cheek! Doesn't he recognize one of his own? My first impulse was to fire him on the spot, but then I realized that I would have to hire him first. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the small mirror in my open briefcase, a realized that my tie was brighter than this ursurpers' and began to feel the confidence course through my veins. Needless to say I despatched him with little effort. He tried to dazzle me with his "knowledge" and "experience", but that was no match for my management skills! The interview was a waste of time, but it did bring me to the realization that if bozos like this one were wearing red ties, then pretty soon more slackers would be wearing them and eventually the general populace would become desensitized to the effects. I'm now looking for ties with hypnotic patterns, but I've yet to find any that are satisfactory. Fashion is a bitch!
Case#2 -
I was preparing for another interview by reading the resume. The experience section was a joke! All that was in it was hamburgers and french fries! This person had no experience except for "working" at a fast food joint! And they wanted a job with MMW! The gall!
When this person knocked on the door, I asked them in. It has been my experience that the best thing to do in this situation is to go on a five minute tirade, and who am I to go against proven techniques? The tirade started out something like this, "What nerve you have for wasting my time by even showing up here. What qualifications do you have for a job in the media. You don't even have a declared major!" This pitiful slacker tried to make up some lame excuses in a desperate attempt to get further along in the interviewing process. First she tried to claim that she was a "journalism" major. Second she tried the old "you must have the wrong resume" line! Then she really started grasping for straws by claiming that I had mistaken a "Rex's All American Hamburgers" for her resume. I immediately fired her on the spot. She reminded me that I hadn't hired her, and so I fired her again!
The really weird thing is that I found a "Rex's All American Hamburgers" menu in my briefcase when I got back to the office. I can only guess that she planted it there as some stupid slacker joke.
Case#3 -
When something goes wrong your instinct is to
A) Try to find out what went wrong so you can fix it
B) Demand to know whose fault it is
C) Assign blame to whoever annoyed you most recently
D) Throw a tirade to put the fear of god into your employees followed by B and C
When talking to your management about a project do you frequently
A) Stress the contributions of your team
B) Take credit for all successes
C) Blame slackers and incompetents for all setbacks
D) Both B and C
What is it that matters to you about your job
A) The satisfaction of a job well done
B) Money
C) Power
D) Both B and C
What annoys you more
A) Rude people
B) People taking credit for other peoples's work
C) People working for you talking to your management
D) People working for you trying to take credit for work you supervised
Unusually productive employees should be
A) Rewarded
B) Encouraged
C) Considered a threat
D) Given more work
How to rate yourself? Any good micromanager knows that he's the only one who can adequately rate his own performance. Especially since our efforts are so seldom understood by our so-called fellow employees.
You know it and I know it. Most of our employees are worthless slackers. If it wasn't for the animal rights lobby we'd be better off firing them all and replacing them with monkeys. Unfortunately, the real world is less than ideal and we're stuck with them. And as long as we have employees we still have to pay them whether they deserve it or not. This leads to the problem of evaluating our employees' performance. Admittedly they're all probably overpaid but it's important to establish a defensible paper trail to document why different employees are paid different salaries.
Rating employees by their productivity is treacherous. The inexperienced micromanager might think that he can compare the productivity of employees to determine who is slacking off. After all, lazy, shiftless employees are less productive. But what if several of your "best" employees appear to be similarly productive. Should the others be judged by this standard? NO! How do you know that your so-called "good" employees aren't all goofing off? You don't. But they probably are.
So what's a responsible micromanager to do? There are several schools of thought on this.
